


Heathen

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Deaths, F/M, Self Loathing, it gets dark in there, only as in canon, we are in dean's head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 09:30:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16302599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Dean while he was in the custody of the secret service





	Heathen

It had taken 5 guards to throw Dean in that cell. He had been beyond pissed when they had separated him and Sam. His brother had been taken from him last, only a few months ago, and now he was seeing it happen right in front of his eyes once again. The idiots they had just saved from Lucifer were dragging him and his brother to a place Dean doubted anyone but a select few knew existed. He and Sam didn’t belong there. They kept the world safe, they didn’t add to its horrors.

That had been what was running through Dean’s mind when he made the first five marks on the wall. He had taken solace in the fact that Cas and Y/N had gotten away with Kelly, before the secret service busted through the door. He had taken solace in the fact that Y/N was safe. Cas would make sure nothing happened to her. No matter how long it took Dean to get out of this God forsaken hole, get to his brother and get out. Cas would keep Y/N safe.

When Dean had assured himself of the truth, of her safety, his mind had gone to Sam. His little brother had been through so much. The hits had kept right on coming ever since he was 6 months old and still he stayed strong. He kept seeing the best in people, even in Dean, when there had been nothing good to see. When he had been a demon, Sam had saved him. He had saved the world from Dean’s darkness. He had saved the world from Lucifer and still he was locked up in here, just like Dean. Sam didn’t deserve any of this. He deserved normality and a life, which he would probably never get, but Dean needed him to be free at the very least. Free and safe, with Y/N and Cas. To hell with himself. He would manage. He always did.

Dean wasn’t pure, not like Sam and Y/N. He was weak and selfish. Dean remembered his time in hell, but it wasn’t the feeling of his soul being torn to shreds, it wasn’t the feeling of blades carving into his very essence that were weighing down on him. It was how easy he had given in. The 30 years of torture weren’t what gave him nightmares, the 10 following them were. It was those 10 years that made it so abundantly clear to Dean that he really did belong in here. It was the years of slicing and carving innocent men and women into something unrecognizable. It was the torture he inflicted on the people he had sworn to protect. The darkness inside of Dean had not been removed with the mark, because it had always been there. Dean had enjoyed the pain he inflicted. Dean had loved killing and had he not been dragged back into this life, a part of him was sure he would still have ended up in this place. He was a murderer, that was who he was. Dean belonged behind bars, Sammy did not. Dean swore he would get his brother out of this place no matter what it took as he carved the next five marks into the wall.

Dean remembered how he had blamed the red angry mark on his arm for all the people had killed. He remembered how he had used her to forget, and how she had let him. A tear fell from Dean’s eye as he remembered ignoring and pretending to be asleep when her body had started shaking next to his. He knew she cried for him, and because of what he had done, to her. She didn’t cry for the things he had done to Sam, to the people they were interrogating on their cases, or Metatron. She had cried because she loved him and because she thought she was losing him. Back then, Dean had thought he was losing himself and that the mark was changing him, but now as he put the five next marks on the wall, he knew. The mark hadn’t changed him. It hadn’t turned him into a killer. It had just made him into more of what he already was. It had shown him the psychopath that he was hiding beneath all his well constructed walls. Dean belonged in here, where the world was safe from him. Where Y/N was safe from him.

Thinking about her was hard. To start with, all he had wanted was to have her back in his arms, selfishly. That was how he had always been with her. He had used her to get over the wounds he carried with him from hell. He had let her piece him back together when Sam had dived into the cage. He remembered how twisted he had been when he had returned from purgatory and how she hadn’t cared. She had held him every night. She had been the light that had showed him the way back to the real world. A world where he couldn’t live from kill to kill. A world that wasn’t black and white and red. A world Dean once again had to learn how to be human in. A world where he couldn’t let his true colors shine through.

Dean thought about her as he made the next five marks on the wall. He thought about how she had never once given up on him. He remembered the control she had always seemed to have over the darkness in him, even when the mark had turned his eyes pitch black, her voice had prevented him from killing.

Had she not shown up. Had her scream not sounded through the alley, Dean would have killed Cole. Had she not distracted him and made his eyes flash back to bright green in an instant, as he remembered what it felt like to love her, Sam would never had been able to capture him. Even when the demon in him had robbed him of any trace of the humanity he had ever possessed, she had been his light. Even when he had gone dark enough that he had been able to kill Sam without hesitation, all he had been able to do to her was knock her out, leaving her unconscious on the floor as he trailed through the halls of the Bunker with a hammer in his hand, searching for his little brother. She had never left him. She had been right there beside him, loving him through it all. Refusing to see what Dean now knew to be true. The Darkness was not forced upon him, it was in him. Part of him. It always had been.

Amara had know that, that had been why she had wanted him. Not because he was her opposite, like Chuck. That had been how Y/N had explained it, as she had held him one night, promising him she wouldn’t leave. Telling him how strong he was and that she believed in him. Dean had let her words impower him then, but now he knew they had been false. Dean was dark. Amara had seen the darkness in him and that had been why she had wanted him. Not because he was her contrast, but because he was like her. Dean didn’t deserve Y/N. One day if he was free, he would get her killed. If not by his own hand, then because someone wanted to see him hurt. Dean knew he couldn’t lose her, not only because he loved her and wanted her safe. If she died he would snap. She was the dam that kept his darkness in check. If that was broken, Dean would be the murderer he knew himself to be. Not even Sam could stop that.

Dean carved the next five marks into the wall thinking of how he never made her happy. Sure he made her smile and laugh. He made her shiver and moan his name, whenever he had showed her without words just how much he loved her. He had made her tear up when he had said those words to her. Still he didn’t make her happy. He brought pain to her life. Worry and heartbreak. He had seen her lose her dad, who had been like a second parent to him, because of him. Bobby had died trying to help him and Sam. He had seen her lose his own father, who had been like a second parent to her, because of a deal John had made to save Dean. He had seen her lose their mutual friends, all dead because of him. Ellen, Jo, Kevin, Charlie… All people she had loved, that had died because Dean hadn’t been able to keep them safe. Hell, he hadn’t even been able to keep himself safe. He had died himself, over and over. Everytime he came back, he had selfishly sought her out. Rather than letting her grief and move on, he had needed her so he had dragged her back into a life he didn’t wanna lead on his own. Just like he had Sam. They both deserved better. They deserved to be happy. Without him there to screw everything up.

When Dean carved the next five marks into the wall he had made up his mind. He was where he belonged. He was going to find a way to get his brother out of here, but he wasn’t leaving. Sam, Cas, his mom, Y/N… they all deserved better than him. They deserved to be free of the pain he caused them. He’d always screwed everything up, but not anymore. In here he couldn’t break anything or anyone else. If he was in here, they would be better off. They didn’t need him and he was done being selfish. Dean was right where he belonged and he was staying put.

Y/N’s PoV - 6 weeks after the brother’s were captured

You flung the book across the room, screaming out your anger. Castiel fell down in his chair, looking like a defeated hopeless child. He blamed himself for this, you knew that. You didn’t, but you also didn’t have the strength to put his mind at ease, not now. Not when the man you considered your brother was missing. Not when he and the man you loved more than anything, more than your own life, was locked up God knows where. Not when there wasn’t a damn thing you could do to help them. Not when you didn’t even know where they were.

“Y/N try and stay calm,” Mary’s shooting voice sounded next to you and her hand rested on your arm. “They have only been gone…”

“6 weeks, 2 days and 10 hours,” Cas finished her sentence in a defeated voice. He felt the same despair you did. He knew the brothers as well as you. He knew why you were hurting this badly.

“We will find them,” Mary insisted with the same stubborn expression on her face, you had seen countless times in Dean “You, me and Castiel. We’ll find them.” Mary tried to assure you, but her words didn’t help. You let yourself fall down onto the chair next to Cas, before you looked up at Mary.

“You don’t understand. I can’t lose Dean,” you tried to explain, but Mary just send you a reassuring smile.

“It’s the Government Y/N. They are not going to kill them. They are safe, just missing,” her voice was calm, but still her words angered you. More than they should, but your emotions were running high.

“You don’t know them Mary! Sam he will be fine. He has been through worse, but Dean… I’d rather they tortured him. If they have him in isolation, he will be alone in his own mind. I’m not sure there is anything worse for Dean.” You saw the hurt, worried expression on Mary’s face, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

The room went quiet as Mary sat down across from you. Her and Cas both of them staring into their own nothingness as your mind went to Dean. Sitting alone in a dark, cold room with his own guilt and self blame, convincing himself he was everything you knew he wasn’t. Convincing himself the world and you were better off without him, and that he was right where he belonged. A silent tear fell from your eyes as you feared you had lost him to himself, maybe for good this time.


End file.
